Sweeney Todd Meets Dr Phil
by Bellatrix5982
Summary: this is a submission to the Sweeney Todd meets Dr. Phil challenge. First time writing humor based after the final scene pretend that they were all resurrected R&R rated for character craziness and slight language ch.4 up! on hold
1. Mr Todd

**A/N: okay at first I said NO WAY CAN I DO THIS then**** I thought about it and said maybe**** I can because I can come up with some funny stuff**** (in my head)**** so here it goes. **

**Mr. Todd meets Dr. Phil (along with the rest of his cast) this is based after the final scene, pretend that everyone is resurrected or somthin just go with the program and you will be happy. And if you don't I will send Dr. Phil after you mwahahahaha. Okay maybe I should see him first, well here it is written like a ****script. **

**(This is actions and other stuff)

* * *

**

(Have Mr. Todd and Dr. Phil on stage)

Dr Phil: so Sweeney, why do you think that you killed all of those innocent people?

Todd: Because, they all deserve to die (in a dark tone)

Dr Phil: Everyone? Even me?"

Todd: Of course you! (Points razor at him)

Dr Phil: where did that come from?

Todd: Why in hell did you put me in this nuthouse? I was perfectly happy bein dead then you had to go resurrect me with all of that technical crap

Dr Phil: it's called medicine

Todd: Well I don't need any bloody medicine. I am perfectly sane

Dr Phil: Then why did you kill all of those people, just to get to one man?

Todd: Because until then I needed to make a livin, and no way in hell was I goin to be a baker. Can you imagine me doin that?! Prancing around in a little apron serving my latest victims to unsuspecting people? No way!

Dr Phil: Speaking of a baker how do you feel about what Mrs. Lovett did to you

Todd: She's a bloody wonder (dark tone)

Dr Phil: So you admire her?

Todd (nearly screaming) ADMIRE?! SHE LET ME KILL MY OWN WIFE HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MAKES ME FEEL? IMAGINE I GO UP TO YOUR WIFE AND SLIT HER THROAT HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?

Dr Phil: that would make me very sad (baby voice)

Todd: You're damn right it made me sad, I even let that boy kill me, and for what?! So I could be brought back with 'medicine' and talk to you about me 'feelings'? I have no feelings I am Sweeney Todd (Jumps up on seat razors in hand)

Dr Phil: where are those razors coming from?!

Todd: These are my friends. See this one is Sharie and this one is Nellie and this one is Lucy and this one is BillyBobJoe!

Dr Phil: SECURITY WE NEED THE KNOCK OUT GAS!

Todd: What's knock out (falls over asleep from knock out gas)

Dr Phil: We're going to take a small break and later on we will bring out some of his other friends

* * *

**A/N: So far I deserve ****3**** out of 10 but don't worry Mrs. Lovett's comin up and I'll try to make that very interesting plz review criticism welcomed **


	2. Mrs Lovett and Mr Todd

**A/N: I'm ****Baaaaaaaack****. Thanks for the reviews I nearly wet myself while writing this. I try to make the characters as realistic as possible, but everyone has their moments, or else it wouldn't be funny. So here's Mrs. Lovett's scene (this is actions and me butting in) written like a script.**** Oh I forgot this on my last one I OWN NOTHING please don't sue me

* * *

**

Dr. Phil: Okay we're back and Mr. Todd is currently sorting out his feelings in the back. (and by sorting out his feelings he means recovering from the knock-out gas in the storage closet.) Anyways our next guest is Mrs. Lovett. So Mrs. Lovett how are you feeling today?

Mrs. Lovett: How do you **think **I'm feeling? I lied to the man that I love, in hopes he may get over his wife, and love me in return. But nooooooo he had to go kill his wife on accident, blame me for it, and throw me into that blasted oven and watch me burn to death!

Dr. Phil: So I take it your feeling sad

Mrs. Lovett: Of course I am! How would you feel if you're wife threw you into a giant oven and watched you burn to a crisp for something you didn't even do. God damnit!

Dr. Phil: Mrs. Lovett damnit is not a very nice word (shakes finger at her)

Mrs. Lovett: Well I don't give a crap about what you think!

Dr. Phil: Do you care about what anyone thinks?

Mrs. Lovett: Of course. I care about what Mr. Todd thinks (Mr. Todd walks in with a razor in hand)

Dr. Phil: oh god (puts head in hands)

Mr. Todd (pointing razors at Dr. Phil) why the hell did you do that to me!? Do you know what knock-out gas taste like?

Dr. Phil: knock-out gas?

Mr. Todd: No it tastes like priest. Do you have any idea how disgusting priest is!?

Dr. Phil: Now Mr. Todd if you just sit down I think we all need to try to have a civilized conversation.

Mr. Todd: (raises razor to kill Dr. Phil) No way in he- (Mrs. Lovett grabs the razor out of his hand and throws it into the audience) (audience screams)

Mrs. Lovett: Sit down or else I'll give the rest of them to the bald guy with the bad southern accent

Mr. Todd: fine (pouts and sits down in chair next to Mrs. Lovett)

Dr. Phil: Good. Now the first thing we need to discuss is how do you two really feel towards each other? (Mr. Todd gives him a look that says kill me now) Mr. Todd I think you should go first, since we can all assume what Mrs. Lovett is going to say.

Mrs. Lovett: what's that supposed to mean?! (Mr. Todd turns to face Mrs. Lovett and takes her hands in his.)

Mr. Todd: Mrs. Lovett. I cannot deny it any longer but the feeling is so strong I must tell you how I really feel. (Mrs. Lovett gives him a hopeful look)

Mr. Todd: (stands up in front of the audience) Lucy will always be my true love and you will never be able to take her place.

(Mrs. Lovett takes a rolling pin and hits him over the head with it) Mrs. Lovett: You arse! I can't believe you're still moping over your wife.

Mr. Todd: Where did that come from? (Points to rolling pin while rubbing head)

Mrs. Lovett: The same place as this (holds up a shiny brand new cleaver) Run Mr. Todd. Run for your Life! (Mr. Todd takes off running and Mrs. Lovett chases after him with a rolling pin and cleaver)

Dr. Phil: We're gonna need more knock-out gas.(says while his head is in his hands) (Looks towards audience) well while their figuring all of that out we're gonna take a short commericial break. And when we come back we will try to talk to these two again and bring out a certain Judge.

Mr. Todd: (peeks head out from behind the stage) did I hear you say 'judge?' (Dark tone)

Mrs. Lovett: Run Mr. Todd Run for your life! (Continues to chase him with cleaver and rolling pin)

* * *

**A/N: ****Okay everything is OOC but that is why it's funny. Sorry for the shortness. S****o next up we have the judge (god knows he needs therapy) who would marry someone young enough to be their granddaughter? So if you excuse me I have to go find Mrs. Lovett before she kills Mr. Todd. Byes **


	3. Judge Turpin

**A/N: Okay here is the judge's chapter I own nothing. I did successfully find and protect Mr. Todd from the crazed Mrs. Lovett though.**** They are currently separated from each other and watching backstage.**** Still written like a script.

* * *

**

Dr. Phil: Okay we're back right now with Judge Turpin. So tell me Judge why did you send away poor Benjamin Barker on a false charge?

Judge: Well have you ever seen his wife? She is the most beautiful thing you'll ever see much prettier than that wretch over there (points to a woman in the crowd)

Dr. Phil: hey that's my wife you're pointing at

Judge: Figures she'd fall for someone like you

Dr. Phil: you know we didn't **have **to bring you back to life. We **can** kill you again.

Judge: Fine go on with your questions

Dr. Phil: Okay the most important question we have for you is, (Screaming) WHY IN HELL'S NAME DID YOU TRY TO MARRY A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL!

Judge: To protect her from the horrors of the outside world, and besides, she beautiful.

Dr Phil: Judge Turpin if I may be so kind to say YOU NEED HELP!

(Sweeney comes from behind stage razors in hand) Sweeney: Prepare to die!

Dr. Phil: I thought we had him in the back

Stage member: we did but he got out

Dr. Phil: what about Mrs. Lovett?

Stage member: that's the problem, we can't find her.

Dr. Phil: Oh. My. God. (Mr. Todd and Judge Turpin begin to wrestle in the background) Okay everyone remain calm, but we have a mentally-unstable woman roaming the area with a rolling pin and a cleaver.

(In the background) Ow don't touch that. That doesn't bend that way. (Screams a girly scream)

Dr. Phil: Gentlemen please can't we act civilized for one moment?

Todd: I will once this man is dead and gone for good. (sitting on top of Turpin's back and pulling his leg over his head)

Turpin: It burns!

Dr. Phil: I really need to find a new job

Stage member: uh Dr. Phil we found her…

Dr. Phil: and?

Stage member: and she's currently being held back by five security guards.

Dr. Phil: okay. What do we do about these two (points to Turpin and Todd who are still wrestling and currently Todd is on top trying to stab Turpin with his razor)(both Turpin and Todd have their hands on the razor which is inches from the Judge's face)

Stage member: we could try the knock-out gas.

Dr. Phil: yeah but then they just get even more pissed off and come back after me.

Stage member: should we bring 'him' out

Dr. Phil: I think it's our only choice

Stage member: okay (speaks into headpiece) this is a code purple I repeat code purple bring him out.

Dr. Phil: Okay I ask all of you to remain calm, even though we have these two (points to the men in the background) and Mrs. Lovett is somewhere in the back. We are going to attempt to restrain the two long enough so we may actually talk. What we are about to do may disturb some of you but it is the only way to get it to work. Okay. (Takes a deep breath) BRING HIM OUT!

(from the back part of the stage comes in a dark tall figure that no one is able to tell what it is until the music starts to play)

Figure: (starts to sing his theme song) I LOVE YOU YOU LOVE ME WE'RE ONE HAPPY FAMILY WITH A GREAT BIG HUG AND A KISS FROM ME TO YOU WON'T YOU SAY YOU LOVE ME TOO (dancing while singing and goes up to Todd and the Judge and pulls them into a bear hug)

Mr. Todd: Let go of me you fat stupid dinosaur. (he attempts multiple times t stab him but can't reach his razor)

Turpin: Oh my god. It's trying to eat me! He's going to eat me! I'm going to die! (Continues to scream) (Dr. Phil now had his hand clasped firmly over his ears)

Dr. Phil: I thought the dinosaur might be a good threat but it only made them worse.

Stage member: uh Phil?

Dr. Phil: yes person whose name I should know but do not?

Stage member: um it's Jay. I'm your son.

Dr. Phil: oh okay. Well what is it Jay?

Jay: we have a problem with Mrs. Lovett

Dr. Phil: (looks him straight in the eye) what type of problem?

Stage member: uh the thing is-(Mrs. Lovett comes running on stage)

Mrs. Lovett: Die Barney! Die and burn in Hell! (Running on stage with the cleaver and the rolling pin and starts to pummel Barney)

Turpin: You lived with that woman?

Mr. Todd: she's a bloody wonder I tell ya.

Turpin: I see (eyeing Mrs. Lovett as she continually stabs and beats Barney to a pulp)

Mr. Todd: You filthy little piece of s---. Don't you dare lay a finger on her (tackles him to the ground and they are once again in the same position)

Dr. Phil: I seriously need a new job. That's it we're bringing out the heavy-duty

Jay: you mean?

Dr. Phil: yes there is no other choice. (Into his headpiece) bring him out

Other voice: we already brought him out

Dr. Phil: No. The other him

Other voice: oh god. Phil you're torturing these people you know that?

Dr. Phil: well that's therapy. (Turns to audience) Okay we are going to have one last attempt on calming down the situation. WE READY!

(From the back of the room comes a shadowed figure and as soon as everyone saw his face they immediately froze in terror and shock)

* * *

**A/N: Okay that's all I can write for now. I know there is no plot and everyone is OOC and completely mental but like Phil said. 'That's therapy'. Plz review. If you have any request for what the doctor should ask the cast please say so in a review or PM me. I'll be glad to do any request. **


	4. Piss and Headaches

**A/N: okay so last time I left you with Mr. Todd wrestling Turpin for eyeing Mrs. Lovett who is currently beating the crap out of Barney and Dr. Phil has prepared to try one last time to control all of these lunatics. Still written like script. **

**Antony: how come?**

**Me: cause I feel like it now go away you queer. You're not supposed to be here until next chapter anyways**

**On with the show (I own nothing)**

* * *

Dr. Phil: (into the headpiece) we're ready

Other voice: Phil are you sure you want to do this it may not even work.

Dr. Phil: just do what I say Jimmy

Other voice: it's Johnny

Dr. Phil: I don't care now bring him out.

Johnny: your funeral. Okay guys it's time for the heavy duty. (backstage door opens) que the fog

(Everyone freezes in the positions they're in, Mrs. Lovett beating Barney and Todd beating Turpin)

Voice: (Jumps into the light) I AM ADOLFO PIRELLI DA KING OF DA BARBERS DA BARBERS OF KINGS BUON GIORNO GOOD DAY! I BLOW YOU A KISS

(Everyone on stage freezes and falls into a fetal position except for Dr. Phil)

Pirelli: AND I DA SO FAMOUS PIRELLI A WISHA WHO HASA THE NERVA TO SAY!

Dr. Phil: Stuff it Pirelli.

Pirelli: (death glare) fine

Dr. Phil: Okay security, please take these four very mentally unstable people and tie them to their chairs.

(Looks at bloody figure of Barney) and take Barney to the hospital (begin to put Barney on a gurney) oh wait a minute.

(Reaches into Barney's tail and pulls out marijuana) I'll be needing this (begins to light up) Now if you would all hold on for a moment we need to put all of these people in their chairs and help them get over the disturbing images they have just seen of Pirelli .

COMMERCIALBREAKCOMMERCIALBREAK

On stage is Todd, Lovett, Pirelli and Turpin.

Dr. Phil: Now I believe we all need to take a calm breath and try to talk this out. (everyone struggling against the ropes that bind them to the chairs) First off Mr. Todd do you or do you not love Mrs. Lovett?

Todd: Of course I don't, I can hardly stand her

Phil: and yet you have named one of your razors after her and just tackled Turpin for eyeing her (Mrs. Lovett cringes)

Mrs. Lovett: (mumbling) pervert

Todd: The reason I named my razor Nellie was because I had run out of names; and Nellie just happened to pop in because I was thinking of my pet frog.

Dr. Phil: Not after Mrs. Lovett?

Todd: I didn't even know her first name.

Mrs. Lovett: why must you hurt me so?

Dr. Phil: Now Pirelli I have a few questions for you

Pirelli: anything Signor

Dr. Phil: first of all drop the accent it's quite annoying

Pirelli: I drop the accent when you drop the cigarette

Dr. Phil: No

Pirelli: why not?

Dr. Phil: because it's MY show, I could dance around in a pretty ballerina outfit for all you guys care. But I don't feel like it so I won't and the cigarette stays I'll need it if I'm counseling you guys.

Pirelli: fine

Dr. Phil: so Pirelli (looks around like he lost something?) don't you have an assistant?

Pirelli: oh yes. TOBY!

(toby shows up on stage)

Toby: 'Ello sir would you like to try some of Pirelli's elixir? (holding up bottle of brightly colored liquid)

Mrs. Lovett's about to protest when Mr. Todd hushes her Todd: let him have it, he deserves it.

Dr. Phil: Miracle Elixir?

Toby: yes sir only cost a penny guaranteed, make your hair grow like a weed

Dr. Phil: for hair? (rubs bald head) sure why not?

(Toby pours it on his head and Phil begans to choke) Dr. Phil: what the hell is this piss?

Todd and Mrs. Lovett:(in unison) and ink

Dr. Phil: PISS AND INK!?

Toby: we've got more sir if ya want more. (pulls in a cart filled to the top)

Dr. Phil: where does it come from?

Toby: Pirelli makes it himself

Pirelli: I have a disorder causing my bladder to act up as well as 'other' parts of me

Todd: Ah so THAT'S what I saw while competing against you

Pirelli: It's not fair it also comes with excruciating head aches

Todd: (smiles evily) signor if I may be as so kind to offer my services

Pirelli: after killing me? (pauses to think) sure why not? What is it?

Todd: I know of a medicine to take care of your headaches

Pirelli: what is that?

Todd: I found it in the storage closet, while I was, knocked-out. It's called Viagra. Great for headaches.

Pirelli: I see (holding the Viagra)

Dr. Phil: Security! Please escort Pirelli out back where he may use his 'medicine' privately (escort Pirelli out back

Dr. Phil: okay up next we will have a talk with a certain young queer.

Antony:(from the back) I AM NOT GAY! I MARRIED JOHANNA!

Dr. Phil: Oh. My. God. You're Bisexual! Unless Johanna has something to tell us, nobody gives a crap about what you think.

* * *

**A/N: so that's al I have time for. Wanted to write some fun stuff. Trying to avoid exams my teachers are CRAZY IDIOTIC PSYCOPATHS! BTW for any of you who happen to be gay or Bi. Please I meant no offense by my last comment. It's just that Antony seems like a queer. **

**plz review criticism welcomed**


End file.
